Commit Suicide
I was depressed, but I wanted to deny it. I began to have thoughts of how to commit suicide. I knew that I was very discouraged because the events in my life were not going in the direction that I wanted or expected them to go. But could I really be depressed? Was suicide a possibility? Surely, I could deal with this! I didn't need help. I could handle this on my own. After all, things weren't that bad, were they?
Then menacing thoughts began entering my head - ways to commit suicide. I wondered how to tie the right knot to create a noose. Would that pole up there be strong or high enough to hang myself? Would I have the physical capability to accomplish such a feat? These methods of suicide were frightening thoughts. Where had they come from? How had they gotten into my head?
Later, the thoughts became more insistent. It was as if these thoughts had a character all their own, a separate entity, that had somehow taken residence inside my brain. I was starting to get worried and wondered if I needed help. I was not moving beyond this and the horrifying thoughts were getting worse!
I didn't tell anyone about these thoughts. They were so horrific to me - to my usual upbeat, outgoing personality. I was afraid to tell people for fear that they would minimize my feelings and make me feel ashamed. They might reject me and I couldn't deal with those reactions. I was trying so hard to cope with what was happening to me.
Im lost.
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